Up above, your eyes shall feast/have feasted already upon the magnificence of Action Bronson, 32-year-old Albanian-American Jewish rapper from Queens, New York. You know the man, and so do we: He killed it as SXSW last week, his major label debut, Mr. Wonderful, just showed up, his spring tour's looking hot.
Now we need to cop a squat for a healthy minute, though, to peer directly into the galaxy of gorgeousness that is the man formerly known as Arian Arslani.
That jolly, crinkle-eyed face; that flowing, robust beard; the sartorial wizardry—it's clear there's a cool fountain of confidence pumping inside Action Bronson's heart. It's got him joyous through the "Baby Blue" video, and it's got him tossing off diamonds like:
I'm not exactly flawless, but I'm gorgeous just like a horse is
I know the thought of me succeeding makes a lot of people nauseous
Still I'm on the back of the boat taking pictures with the swordfish
It's so true. Consider: He's gorgeous when he's taking a break from mopping diners in a dopey uniform:
He's gorgeous when he's stunting in a powder blue suit the way we all wish we could—with our tattooed chests unobstructed by a crappy shirt and tie:
He's gorgeous without Chance. Try to even process that XXL eye-popping sweater, too late, you can't, you're too jealous:
He's gorgeous when he's repping his heritage (one you don't really encounter in the rap game):
He's even gorgeous in the barbershop:
Quit stalling and just marry us, Mr. Wonderful. We'll never find another man like you, and we'll never fail to appreciate a handsome stallion again.