March 24, 2015

Video

"I'm Gorgeous Just Like a Horse Is": Time to Swoon Over Action Bronson

Up above, your eyes shall feast/have feasted already upon the magnificence of Action Bronson, 32-year-old Albanian-American Jewish rapper from Queens, New York. You know the man, and so do we: He killed it as SXSW last week, his major label debut, Mr. Wonderful, just showed up, his spring tour's looking hot.

Now we need to cop a squat for a healthy minute, though, to peer directly into the galaxy of gorgeousness that is the man formerly known as Arian Arslani.

That jolly, crinkle-eyed face; that flowing, robust beard; the sartorial wizardry—it's clear there's a cool fountain of confidence pumping inside Action Bronson's heart. It's got him joyous through the "Baby Blue" video, and it's got him tossing off diamonds like:

I'm not exactly flawless, but I'm gorgeous just like a horse is
I know the thought of me succeeding makes a lot of people nauseous
Still I'm on the back of the boat taking pictures with the swordfish

It's so true. Consider: He's gorgeous when he's taking a break from mopping diners in a dopey uniform:

Action Bronson on Youtube
Action Bronson on Youtube

He's gorgeous when he's stunting in a powder blue suit the way we all wish we could—with our tattooed chests unobstructed by a crappy shirt and tie:

Action Bronson on Youtube
Action Bronson on Youtube

He's glorious with Chance the Rapper, and inviting him on to rap cold disses like "I hope every soda you drink already shaken up" and "I hope there's always snow in your driveway":

Action Bronson on Youtube
Action Bronson on Youtube

He's gorgeous without Chance. Try to even process that XXL eye-popping sweater, too late, you can't, you're too jealous:

Action Bronson on Youtube
Action Bronson on Youtube

He's gorgeous when he's repping his heritage (one you don't really encounter in the rap game):

Action Bronson on Youtube
Action Bronson on Youtube

He's even gorgeous in the barbershop:

Action Bronson on Youtube
Action Bronson on Youtube

Quit stalling and just marry us, Mr. Wonderful. We'll never find another man like you, and we'll never fail to appreciate a handsome stallion again.

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